


Tommy the Wizard Tard vs The Warhammer 40k Universe

by JustSagan



Series: Tommy the Wizard Tard [2]
Category: Warhammer 40.000
Genre: Blood and Gore, Character Death, Death, Gore, Rape, Rough Sex, Sex, Torture, Violence, tård
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-06-21 17:23:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15562725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustSagan/pseuds/JustSagan
Summary: I have been practicing for a thing I am working on, and I thought a good way to do that would be to make a long story.





	1. Chapter 1

[ ](https://imgur.com/OcSQi2M)

It was a normal day at Tard HQ, and all the Tards were happily doing their Tard things. Well, it's not normal to us, but to them it was. 

You see, after Tommy The Wizard Tard (Now basically Tard king) had captured Pearl, Wizard Battles were at an all time high. I mean, they now had someone to always practice on, and this made everyone happy. Except for Pearl of course, who was now a hollow shell of her former self. 

Of Course, there was only one Pearl to go around. So fights still broke out quite often.

“My turn to Wizard battle with weird girl!” 

“No my turn!”

The two Tards went from yelling, to fist fighting quite quickly. But before it could escalate any further, Tommy stepped in.

“Stop fighting! That's not how you Wizard Battle!”

Tommy pulled his Wizard pee pee out, and decided to give them a live demonstration. I won't go into details, but Tommy of course managed to beat both relatively quickly. The two Tards learned a very valuable lesson that day.

However, if you thought this was going to be a story about Tommy The Wizard Tard just going about a normal day, then you might want to rethink that. 

Just as the class had finally calmed down, one of the Tards noticed something outside. The Tard walked up to the windows for a better look, and saw four edgy looking cruisers coming in for a very quick landing. 

“Look! Big flying things!”

Everyone, including the teacher, had a look for themselves. The Tards were all quite curious about the strange looking ship. The teacher on the other hand was about to piss herself in absolute fear. 

“OH FUCK! QUICK STUDENTS RUN!!!”

The Teacher ran out of the room quite quickly. It was the fastest the Tards had ever seen her run. But they didn't run, instead they decided to see who would come out of those ships. After all, they might be wizards.

But no, wizards didn't come running out of those ships. Instead, a bunch of Dark Eldar came rushing out. The school had no way of defending itself, so it seemed that they were all doomed… But, that's not what happened.

“Xeno come to challenge Wizard! Wizard always win!” 

This inspiring speech rallied the other Tards, and caused them all to piss their pants with excitement. They could hear the Dark Eldar running through the halls. They knew it was about time to battle. 

A few Kabalite Warriors ran into Tard HQ, and tried to pull a Tard out. Said Tard went into a super Tard Rage, and pulled one of the Warriors arms off. The Warrior fell to the ground, screaming in agony. 

The other Warriors tried to pussy out, and run away. But Tommy wasn't about to let them escape. 

“YOU TRY TO HURT WIZARD IN TRAINING!”

Tommy rushed at the Warriors with Tard speed, and tackled one so hard that it literally broke the Warrior in half. The other Tards grabbed the two remaining Warriors, and pulled on their arms. Sense Eldar are not really strong, it didn't take long for the Tards to pull their arms off. 

“AHHHHH!!!!”

The sounds of the Kabalite Warriors screams of agony attracted the attention of one of the commanders. After all, the students should be the ones crying in agony, not her own Warriors. 

“The other three ships have already captured nearly all of the Humans here, and we are falling behind because YOU can't eve-” 

When she finally made it to the Tard HQ, she saw her warriors twitching on the ground, while some Tard Humans were covered in their blood. 

“Well great going you pieces of shit! Now I have to kill these fucking humans because YOU cant even do your fucking jobs right! How are you going to expl- AHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Their captain had spent to much time monologuing, and gave one of the Tards enough time to break one of her legs with an emergency sledgehammer. 

“Sorry Wizard, but she talk to much.”

Wizard wasn't mad. In Fact, he was quite happy. 

“It fine! But break other leg! Dont trust her!”

The Tard did just that, and shattered her other leg. The Kabalite Warriors could only listen as their Captain cried out in agony. If they themselves were not in such agonising pain, then they probably would be jerking off. 

Tommy was quite happy with the Tard, and decided to reward him. I mean, wouldn't you? 

“You! You do good!”

The Tard gave a very big Tard smile, but didn't say anything. He knew not to interrupt The Wizard. 

“You get to Wizard Battle with Dark Eldar girl!” 

The Tard was so happy, that he somehow pissed his pants again. Before the Edgy Bitch could fathom what “Wizard Battle” even ment, The Tard already had his penis out. 

“Y-Y-You better not use that worthless human penis on me!”

Edgy Bitch couldn't even sound scary anymore. The pain was just to much. 

“MY TRAINING WIZARD PEE PEE BETTER THAN XENO FACE!”

The Tard slammed his training pee pee right into her face. She tried to bite it off, but the pee pee was so strong, that her teeth literally broke. 

“TRAINING PEE PEE STRONG!”

The Tard continued to rub his pee pee all over her face. The Edgy Bitch looked to see if atleast one of the injured Kabalite Warriors had messaged for help, but they had already bled out. 

As the Tards watched the Wizard Battle, Tommy looked outside. He noticed that three of the ships were gone, and that another Dark Eldar was walking out. She had very little clothing on, and had some blueish purple blood on her. 

She walked in the school, and looked through each class room she came by. She seemed very impatient. 

“Hey commander cunt! The other ships left already, and you're slowing us down! You already let the other groups capture every human here, and the other Kabalite Warriors boarded the other ships! Dont also be the reason some Space Marines come by and kill us!”

The Tards went quiet. And Edgy Bitch was in too much pain to even speak. Suddenly, Tommy turned Tard Red.

“YOU TOOK WIZARD FRIENDS!?”

Tommy rushed out of Tard HQ at Tard speeds, and tackled the Skimpy Bitch. She would have said something edgy to try and scare Tommy, but Tommy ripped one of her legs off before she could even get a good look of him.

Edgy Bitch could hear Skimpy Bitch cries of agony, and gave up hope of being able to escape. The other Tards went out to see what was happening. They were met with Tommy shoving Skimpy Bitches leg up her own ass. 

“WIZARD HATE YOU!!!”

Skimpy Bitch didnt hear this, because she had died from the internal damages that come along with having a leg shoved up your ass. The other Tards cheered him on, but stopped when they realized that the school really was empty. 

Tommy wasn't about to let the Dark Eldar get away with this. He stood back up, and made his way outside. The other Tards followed behind quietly. They had never seen him this mad before. 

“Hey Tommy. How we gonna save other people?”

Tommy didn't respond, and only walked. 

Eventually, they made it to the Torture Cruiser. Tommy stopped right in front of it, and stared at it. 

“Get paint.”

Tommy didn't even turn away to tell them. The other Tards did as he said, and went off to search for paint. Tommy on the other hand walked into the ship.

The sounds of screaming and heartless laughter could be heard as soon as he entered. There weren't any sight of any Dark Eldar around, but he knew where they were. 

Tommy followed the sounds of the screaming, and eventually found a heavily enforced door. Of course, he broke it down with ease. On the other side, he saw some Tau being horribly tortured. (I won't go into details, but just look up Dark Eldar torture methods if you have a strong enough stomach) 

Their screams were so loud that no one heard the door being destroyed. But one of the Dark Eldar knew something was up when he saw the Tau that Skimpy Bitch was supposed to be torturing suddenly look surprised.

He looked back to see what the Tau was so surprised about, and was met with a hard Tard Punch to the face. The torturers nose broke on impact, and he died before hitting the floor. The second Tau noticed the torture suddenly stopping, and opened her eyes to see her tormentor laying dead on the ground. 

Of Course, the four other Torturers finally noticed Tommy… But they weren't exactly battle ready. 

“HOW DID THIS HUMAN GET ON HERE!? WHERE ARE OUR KABALITE WARRIORS!?” 

The Dark Eldar didn't even see him as a threat, and just kinda bitched about him. Tommy grabbed a knife off of a table while they were all bitching, and slaughtered them all. 

Tommy turned his attention to the Tau. The Tau were all pretty messed up, but Tommy fortunately came in before permanent damage could be done. 

“Thank you human! I knew the Greater Good wouldn't leave us to this fate!” 

Tommy didn't know what the Greater Good was, and he wasn't a big fan of Xenos. But a Tau did once give him a chocolate bar. 

“Wizard help Tau!”

The machines that were meant to keep slaves in place were no match for Tommy's Tard strength. The Tau could not exactly walk yet, but they were just happy to finally be free from that fate worse than death. 

“We got paint Wizard!”

The other Tards walked in holding paint buckets. They didn't seem to notice the naked Tau, and the dead bodies everywhere. 

“Very good! Now paint outside of ship! To much Black!”

The Tards happily ran back out to paint the ship. The Tau assumed that Tommy must have been a really good strategist, and that painting the ship was meant for some great plan he had thought of. But no, Tommy just really hated how little color the ship had. 

The Tau made good use of the medicines that the Dark Eldar had on the ship, and were finally sorta recovered. The Tards painted the ship, and it looked… Like a Torture Cruiser that a bunch of Tards threw paint on. 

Tommy was happy with it though. Actually, he was REALLY happy with it.

“I think ship is ready to fly into space!” 

The Tards all cheered Tommy, and went back into the school to grab supplies. 

The Tau came out of the ship to see what was going on. They were still naked, but they just couldn't stomach the thought of wearing Dark Eldar clothes. They saw the Tards gathering random food, and guns that looked like they shouldn't even be able to stay together. 

One of the Tau, named Gras'ko, noticed that the Tards didn't exactly act like humans they have seen. They actually acted a lot like another race. Gras'ko pulled another Tau, named Pira'dras, away from the others to talk. 

“I know I shouldn't judge these humans harshly. They risked their lives to save us. But…”

Pira’dras already knew what he wanted to say. 

“You also noticed that they act like Orks?”

Gras'ko was glad he wasn't the only one that noticed. 

“Do you think their mutants?” 

Pira'dras wanted to say yes, but she didn't know enough about mutants to really be sure.

“We can worry about this later. For now, let's just help them gather what they need. If they plan on using this ship, then they might be able to take us home.” 

Gras'ko agreed, but there was one more thing bugging him.

“What exactly are they planning? I can't imagine they are planning to attack the Dark Eldar.” 

Pira'dras looked around, and noticed that the Tards were the only humans around. She also remembered seeing four ships when she was captured. 

“I think they are.”

Gras'ko couldn't believe that they would willingly go after the Dark Eldar.

“They must really care for those other humans… Let's start helping them gather stuff.”

The two joined up with the other Tau, and assisted in helping the Tards with their stuff. Most of the food consisted of hotdogs and junk food. The Tau weren't sure how anyone could live off of this stuff alone, but they didn’t question it. 

It was going to take awhile before everything was ready. So the Tau used this opportunity to learn more about the Tards. After all, this knowledge might come in handy one day. 


	2. Wizard must prepare!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With everyone kidnapped by the Dark Eldar, Tommy must find a way to rescue them. Even if it means working with the Tau.

Everything the Tards needed was packed. They were able to make a lot of room after throwing all the torture equipment out. Of course, many of the torture weapons would make for some good close range combat stuff. 

The Tards were already quite powerful when it came to close range combat, and those sharp things would prove quite useful. Only a Tard wrangler could even come close to beating a Tard, and even they often fail. One of the Tau, named Bra'xan, took notice of this.

He took note of how physically strong they were, but it appeared that their long range weapons could use an upgrade. Even Ork weapons were built better.

“Excuse me Wizard. May I have a word with you?”

Tommy was quite curious as to what the Tau wanted. Maybe he had a chocolate bar. 

“Wizard listen!”

Tommy gave him a very happy Tard smile, and eagerly waited to hear what Bra'xan wanted.

“It is clear that you will save your Human allies at any cost. However, brute strength alone will not win the day. The Dark Eldar are cowards, and will run from combat when they get the chance. Your guns will not be good enough against those cowards.”

A nearby Tard overheard Bra'xan talking, and walked up.

“He right Wizard! Last gun I use blew up in face!”

“Just as I expected. The only way you will be able to killed more of them is with better guns. Fortunately, I work at a weapon production factory back on my home planet. If you can bring us there, im sure they will be more than happy to supply you with guns. Our guns are the best around, and never miss.”

Tommy loved using his gun, but even he had to admit that they more often than not ended up as melee weapons. Sometimes they never even got to fire before failing. 

“Wizard want guns! But Wizard want best gun for Wizard!”

Bra'xan completely understood. The leader of a battle should be given the best weapon. 

“I will do everything I can to get you the best weapon. Unfortunately, it's up to them to make that decision.”

Tommy didn't actually care if they were the best weapons. He just wanted to make sure his weapon was better than the other Tards. The Tard that was listening to them on the other hand was just happy that he wouldn't have to use a gun that blew up in his face anymore.

“Guns for Wizards in training!”

The Tard ran off to tell the other Tards the good news. Bra'xan went off to tell the other Tau about the deal he made. And Tommy went off to grab some food to eat. He really thought Bra'xan had a chocolate bar. 

With the ship full of supplies, and everyone's morale high, they were ready to leave. However, there was one problem. No one knew how to fly a Torture Cruiser. 

The Tau were all Earth Caste born, but even an Air Caste Tau wouldn't know how to fly it. The Tards were also no help, but that was more because space travel was never that big of a focus on their planet of Tardia. Other nearby planets always handled that stuff. 

It seemed that their grand space rescue would have to wait… Well that's what they thought at least. Sledge hammer Tard walked outside dragging the Edgy Bitch Dark Eldar by her broken legs. 

“Dark Eldar lady still alive! Anyone want to Wizard Battle her?”

Many of the Tards pulled their Wizard pee pees out, ready for a Wizard battle. As they surrounded the near dead Dark Eldar, Pira'dras realised that Edgy Bitch could be put to good use. 

“Wait! She could make a good pilot. I just need to experiment on her.”

Tommy looked down at Pira’dras’s crotch area, and noticed that she didn't have a Wizard pee pee. While he was staring, another Tard decided to chime in.

“My sister experiment with girls to!” 

Pira’dras ignored the Tard, and stared at Tommy. She couldn't figure out why he was staring at her reproductive area. Before she could question him, Tommy looked up at her.

“You have no Wizard pee pee. How you Wizard Battle her?”

She wanted to explain what she was going to do, but worried that Edgy Bitch would die soon.

“I… Will figure it out. But I must act quick.”

Tommy understood. Well, he understood that she would try to Wizard Battle. As far as he knew. 

Sledge Hammer Tard dragged Edgy Bitch into the ship, and threw her on an operating table. Pira'dras requested that Sledge Hammer Tard stay in the room with her. With all of the experimenting she was about to do, she wanted to make sure if something went wrong, then Sledge Hammer Tard was there to put Edgy Bitch down. 

While everyone was waiting for Pira’dras, the rest of the Tau decided to look around the school. They wanted to learn more about their strange human allies, and what better place to learn than a school? Well, as long as it isn't full of Imperium propaganda. 

Unfortunately, almost all of the information was just Imperium propaganda. Some of the books even claimed that the average lifespan of a Human was way shorter than it actually is. However, they actually managed to find one useful book. 

Well, it wasn't really a traditional book. It was more like a kids coloring book. Badly coloured at that. 

But the book actually kinda explained Tardias past. It turned out that the Tards were actually a type of mutant that the Imperium thought to be useless. Tardia was originally an Ork ruled world, and every Tard was sent to the world to be killed.

What the Imperium didn't expect was that the Tards actually managed to survive.  And not just survive, they actually managed to beat the Orks, and take over. They sometimes even managed to become Warbosses. The Imperium realized how powerful the Tards were, and let them live on that world.

The planet was still mostly populated by humans after colonization, but Tards were left in certain areas. They wanted to study them, and see how they would live around normal humans. These observations still continued to that very day. 

Gras'ko could already tell that the Tards were Ork like, but he would have never guessed that they could influence Ork society. He made sure to hang onto the coloring book. This information could come in handy.

Nothing else of interest could be found in the school, so the Tau went back outside to wait. They were quite surprised to see that the Tards somehow managed to build a very tall three story shack while they were gone. They were only in the school for about 20 minutes. 

Curious as to what the Tards were up to, the Tau entered the shack. Inside, they were quite surprised to see that the shack was much larger on the inside. So large that the first floor had what appeared to be a tank made out of random tank parts, and Lego pieces.

A few Tards climbed out of the Tank, covered in grease and oil. The three Tards saw the Tau, and gave them big Tard smiles. The Tau were quite impressed, but were more curious about the Shack.

“How did you manage to build this shack so quickly?”

The three Tards looked confused.

“This not shack, this Wizard Tower.”

Before the Tau could ask again, they heard an explosion on the second story. They quickly ran up to see what had happened. They were met with a bunch of Tards all staring at an ash covered Tard.

“Dammit! I used to much gun powder in Wizard Hat!”

The Tau looked at the other Tards, and noticed that they appeared to be “Crafting” Wizard Hats. The hats were all different shapes and colors, but none were as large as Tommys. The Wizard Hats also appeared to be way tougher than what a normal Wizard Hat should be. 

The Ash covered Tard simply brushed the ash off, and started working on a new one. With everything back in order, the rest of the Tards went back to work. One of them even notice the Tau.

“Hey Tau! Wizard on third floor!”

The Tau left the Tards to their hats, and walked up to see what Tommy was up to. Tommy appeared to be putting random items into many different bags. Tommy heard the Tau walking up, and turned to face them.

“Tau can’t use Wizard Bags. Need to be level five Wizard.”

Gras'ko wanted to ask Tommy about everything they were doing, but just assumed that it was their strange way of getting ready for combat. He also made sure to note everything he saw. 

The Tau left the Tards to their Tard ways, and decided to see how Pira'dras was doing. As they walked back down to the first floor, Sledge Hammer Tard walked in. He had a large Tard smile, and seemed to have some good news.

“Tau lady finish with Dark Eldar Lady!”

Everyone's heads shot up, and they all ran out. Two of the fatter Tards tried to run out at the same time, and manage to get stuck in the door. No one was able to leave, until Tommy came along. 

“Get out of way!”

Tommy shoulder charged the two Tards through the door, but they weren't even hurt. 

“Sorry Wizard! That Wizard in training fat!”

The other Tard was visibly pissed.

“No you fat!”

The two Tards started fighting on the ground. Tommy walked up to stop the fight, but the sound of the Wizard Towers garage opening stopped him. Their custom made tank drove out with no warming and ran the two Tards over.

The Tau all ran to check on the two after the Tank drove off of them. Surprisingly, the two Tards got right up, and angly stared at the tank.

“That hurt! Why you do that meanie!?”

The Tank didn’t stop, and nearly crashed into the ship. After narrowly dodging the ship, the tank came to a stop. The top hatch opened, and unfamiliar Tard came out. The other Tards didn't seem too happy to see him.

“Oh no! It Ricky!”

As Ricky climb out of the tank, he stared at the Tau.

“What you gaybos doing with gay Tau?”

Tommy looked quite pissed.

“Why you here Ricky?! No one like you!”

Ricky didn't respond, and just gave a duchy Tard smile. Pira'dras walked out to see what was going on, and immediately noticed the tank next to the giant shed.

“You built all of this in a few hours?”

“No, they built all this in 20 minutes.” 

Pira’dras was quite confused, but also impressed. While trying to figure out how the Tard built everything so quickly, Sledge Hammer Tard walked up to her.

“Show everyone Dark Eldar lady!”

Pira’dras snapped out of thought, and everyone was staring at her.

“Right. I have managed to alter her mind, and replace her broken legs with… Whatever parts your Sledgehammer friend found laying around… Oh and there were plenty of teeth laying around, so fixing her mouth was easy.”

As if on cue, Edgy Bitch walked out. Her legs appeared to be made of legos and mechanical car parts. More importantly, she had a Tard smile.

“Hello! Tau lady give new legs to me!”


	3. You mean to Wizard!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ricky is jerk!

The now Tardified Edgy Bitch stood there with her Tard smile. The Tau were slightly shocked by what Pira’dras had done to her. Tommy on the other hand was more than happy to see her like that.

“New Wizard in training!”

Tommy pulled out a black Wizard hat, causing Edgy Bitch Tards Tard smile to get bigger. The other Tards, except for Ricky, all cheered on their new Wizard in training. 

“You now Wizard in training!”

Tommy placed the Wizard hat on her, and pulled his Wizard pee pee out. The Tau were both confused, but interested in the Wizard ritual. Of course they also kept their distance. Mainly to not accidentally mess something up. 

“Now pull out Wizard Pee Pee!”

Edgy Bitch Tard looked at Tommy with a confused Tard look on her face. 

“But, I dont have Wizard Pee Pee.”

Edgy Bitch Tard pulled her panties down, showing Tommy her vagina. Tommy wasn't sure what to do. He had already made her a Wizard in training, and he couldn't just take that honor away from her. Fortunately, he remembered something involving Pira’dras.

“Hey Tau lady! How did you Wizard Battle her? You have no Wizard Pee Pee!”

Pira’dras didn't know how to respond. She was hoping that Tommy wouldn't question her on what she actually did. 

“Well I uhh… I didn't actually Wizard Battle her. I did other things.”

Tommy at first didn't know what she meant by this. But he quickly came to his own conclusion. 

“Oh! You used special magic wand! Our teacher has one of those!”

Pira’dras was about to question him on what a Magic Wand was, but instead she just nodded her head. Sledge Hammer Tard knew what actually happened, but said nothing because he was in the school taking a Tard shit. 

“Maybe Teachers Magic Wand still in her desk Wizard. I go check!” 

The Tard waddled his way inside to check. 

“EWW! It smell like poo poo in here now!”

A few minutes went by, and Sledge Hammer Tard walked out with an embarrassed Tard look on his face.

“I ruin toilet.”

That was the fourth toilet he ruined that week.

“It’s ok! Janitor will fix it when rescue is done. Now help u-” 

The Tard that went to find the Magic Wand knocked Sledge Hammer Tard out of the way before Tommy could finish. In his hand was an 8 inch blue Dildo. And on his face, was a Tard smile. 

“I found Magic Wand!” 

Sledge Hammer Tard stood back up, but wasn't mad. In fact, he was more confused than anything else.

“Why you need Magic Wand? We already have Wizard Pee Pees.”

“It’s because your all a bunch of Gaybos!” 

Tommy was not happy to hear this.

“Shut up Ricky! No one likes you!” 

Ricky didn't care. If anything, this just made his smug Tard smile grow larger. 

“Only Gaybos hang out with Tau and Dark Eldar!”

The Tards were all pissed, and ready to beat Ricky up. But Edgy Bitch Tard grabbed the blue dildo, and walked up to Ricky.

“You mean to Wizard!”

Edgy Bitch Tard started to smack Ricky in the face with the dildo repeatedly. 

“Oww! Stop it you Gaybo!”

Edgy Bitch Tard didn't let up. The other Tards watched with Tard smiles on their faces. They were quite impressed with Edgy Bitch Tard. 

“Dark Eldar Lady make good Wizard in training!”

The Dildo slapping went on for a few more minutes, and ended when Ricky finally had enough.

“You all bunch of Gaybos! I go somewhere not full of Gaybos!”

Ricky ran off. They didn't know where he was going, but everyone, including the Tau, were happy that he was finally gone.

“I got rid of Ricky!”

Edgy Bitch Tard was quite happy with her victory. Tommy was quite impressed that she got rid of Ricky so quickly, and decided to give her a new name.

“You good Wizard in training! But you need new name!”

Edgy Bitch Tard was very happy to hear this. So happy in fact that she gave the biggest Tard Smile a Dark Eldar had ever given. 

“Yay! New name!”

Tommy brainstormed name ideas for a whole 5 seconds. Nothing came out of it.

“Your name now… Uhh.”

One of the Tards walked up, with an idea for a name.

“Why dont we just name her Eldar Wizard Lady?”

The other Tards seemed to like this name, and so did Tommy.

“Your new name is Eldar Wizard Lady!”

The Tards all cheered their new Wizard in training. The Tau were quite surprised by how quickly the Tards became friends with her. Earlier that day, they had quite literally pushed her very close to death. 

But Tard minds would have to wait. What mattered to the Tau was getting home. 

“Well now that everything is in order, I think it's time for us to leave.”

The Tards knew he was right. How else were they going to get cool Tau guns to save their friends?

“Wizards! It’s time to leave for Tau planet! Get Tank on ship!” 

The Tards obayed Tommy, and huddled around the Tank. The Tards were all able to lift the Tank onto the ship, and tie it down with string. Normally the Tau would comment about how that would not work, but they had a feeling it would... Somehow. 

“Tank ready Wizard! Time to go!” 

Everyone made their way onto the Tank, ready to finally get going. But what they didn't know was that someone else had snuck into the ships storage container. 

“Ha ha! Those Gaybos will never know I here!” 


	4. Tau Tau and...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greater Good, and some Tard stuff.

“Wizards! I ready to fly!”

Eldar Wizard Lady was more than ready to go. She couldn't wait to go on an awesome Wizard adventure with her new Wizard friends. 

“You do good! But we not ready to fly! Need more seats!”

There were not enough seats for everyone. Well, there technically were, but the Tards all took up more than one seat when they sat down. Keep in mind, these ships were built for Eldar, not Tards.

“Maybe we can bring more chairs from school in! I have tape to keep chairs down!”

Again, the Tau didn’t question the Tards logic. At that point, they didn’t question anything about the Tards. 

“How many chairs would you require before we could leave? We should get going so-”

“Time to go!? Ok!”

Without any other warning, Eldar Wizard Lady flew at high speeds into space. The Tards and Tau were sent flying all over the ship. To make things worse, Eldar Wizard Lady drove the ship quite recklessly through space.

“Ahhhhhh! Can't touch ground Wizard!” 

Tommy couldn't hear the Tard over all the crashing sounds. None of the Tau attempted to speak, as they were to busy trying not to get hurt. The Tau were just glad that the Tards took all the torture equipment out. The last thing they needed was a bunch of sharp stuff going everywhere. 

Eldar Wizard Lady could hear all the crashing and screaming, but she thought they were just having a party. To be fair, she is… Was A Dark Eldar. So a lot of partes she went to probably involved a LOT of screaming. 

“Party! I can join after we get Tau home! Will take uhh, ten minutes!” 

Back in the storage container room, none of the food or other stuff was secured correctly. This made life for a certain Tard a little harder. 

“Oww! You stupid Gayb- Oww! You St- Oww!” 

Ricky was flying all over the room, violently hitting anything that he was unfortunate enough to ram into. Surprisingly, none of the food or other supplies were destroyed. 

This all continued until they finally reached the Tau planet. It took way longer than ten minutes, but no one really noticed. That was mainly because the Tau were all knocked out, and the Tards sure as Warp weren't keeping track of the time. 

“Wizard! We made it to Tau Planet!”

It took Tommy a little bit to get adjusted when the ship finally slowed down. Upon standing up, he realized that he had landed butt first on Pira’dras’s face. She was still alive, but it was unknown how long she would be knocked out. 

Sledgehammer Tard was the second one to stand up. He didn't knock any Tau out, but he was now naked for some reason. Though, he still somehow managed to hang on to his Sledgehammer.

“Uh oh Wizard! How we talk to other Tau if our Tau sleepy?”

Sledgehammer Tard made a good point. Fortunately, Tommy always has a plan. 

“Don’t be dumb! We just have to tell them that our Tau got sleepy. Now go get other Tau!”

Sledgehammer Tard gave a Tard smile, and went off to find the other Tau. Tommy on the other hand went to find his fellow Tards. He had to make sure they weren't sleepy either. 

As you probably guessed, the Tards were barely even hurt. One of them even went to sleep… Actually went to sleep, not knocked out. 

As this was all happening, Eldar Wizard Lady flew closer and closer to the planet. Normally the Tau would blast a Dark Eldar looking ship into non existence. Fortunately, the Tard colors and Tard way it was being flown confused them. 

Instead, they let the ship come in for a landing. Of course, they also had any Fire Warriors in the area ready to shoot if things went bad.

“Wizard! We about to land!”

The ship came flying towards the ground below at Tard speeds. Any Tau in that area managed to get out of the way before being crushed. The Fire Warriors had no idea what to make of the situation.

Surprisingly, the ship was not at all damaged, and neither was the Tank. The Tank actually somehow managed to stayed tied to the ship, which made absolutely no sense. Then again, that's to be expected with Tards.

Tommy was the first one to step out of the ship. He didn't seem to care that the Fire Warriors were all pointing their guns at him. 

“Hello Tau! We have Tau!”

At first, the Fire Warriors weren't sure what he meant by this. But, they soon came to their own conclusions. 

“They have taken our fellow Tau hostage! Open fire! For the Greater Good™️!” 

They opened fire on Tommy, but Tommy managed to use his Tard speed to quickly get back in the ship. The other Tards could hear the gunshots. They all knew what had to be done.

“Wizards! Time for battle!”

The Tards grabbed their Tard guns, and were about to run out. However, Tommy stood in their way before they could. 

“No! We can't kill Tau! We need Tau guns!” 

The Tards realized that he was right. 

“Wizard right! But how we get them to stop shooting? Our Tau still sleeping!”

This was quite the predicament. Tommy would have to use all of his brain power to come up with a plan… Which he did!

“I have idea! Lets use our Poo Poo powers on them! It worked when Inquisition tried to capture us that one time!”

The Tards remembered that day, and all gave big Tard smiles. Those Inquisition members were never the same. 

“Ha ha! One of their Space Marines got Poo Poo stuck in helmet! He couldn't stop screaming!” 

The Tards all shared a laugh, and were now more than ready to fight the Tau. Well, almost ready…

“Wizard! Can I help in battle?”

They had forgotten about Eldar Wizard Lady. They weren't sure if she could use the Poo Poo power, and they didn't want to risk it. Fortunately, Tommy knew what she could do.

“We need you to wake Tau up! We can't kill other Tau!”

Eldar Wizard Lady felt a new urgency to help her Tard Friends. She could see how dyer this situation was. 

“Don’t worry! I use Magic Wand to wake them up!”

They exchanged Tard smiles, and she got to work. Tommy looked back at his Tards, and was happy to see the Tard smiles on their faces.

“Alright Wizards! Time to PooPoo!”

The Tards all cheered, and pulled their pants down. They poo pooed in the middle of the room, creating a large pile. It didn't take long for them to get Tommy's desired size.

“Poo Poo Pile ready! It time for Poo Poo Magic!”

Tommy picked up the Poo Poo Pile. The other Tards Gathered any explosives they could find, and shoved them into the Poo Poo Pile. It now looked like a pile of shit with random lumps on it.

Tommy shoved one more explosive into the pile, this one actually active. The other Tards stood back and watched with Tard smiles as Tommy threw the pile outside. The brown bomb went off as soon as it hit the ground, and the sounds of gunshots were replaced with screaming. 

“They stopped shooting! Let's Wizard Battle them until Eldar Wizard Lady wake Tau up!”

They all cheered, and ran out while holding their Wizard Pee Pees. Outside, the Fire Warriors were all completely covered in Poo Poo. Any Tau civilians nearby were completely terrified and confused.  

“WWWWWWIZARD BATTLE!!!”

The Tards jumped onto individual Fire Warriors, and hit their helmets with their Wizard Pee Pees. No matter how advanced their armor was, they were no match for such strong penises. 

Inside the ship, Eldar Wizard Lady was doing her best to wake the Tau up. Unfortunately, that just means hitting them with her Magic Wand. 

“Wake up! Tau need to wake up!” *Hit*

Fortunately, Bra'xan finally “woke up”. The first thing he saw was Eldar Wizard Lady hitting Pira’dras with a dildo. Of Course, that was of least concern when compared to the screaming outside the ship. 

Bra'xan rushed out to see what was happening, and was quite shocked by what he saw. One of the Tards noticed him.

“Hey look! Tau wake up! Now we get guns!”

One of the Fire Warriors recognized Bra'xan as being one of the victims of the recent Dark Eldar invasion. 

“W-Wait! I think i under s-” *Gets hit in face with Wizard Pee Pee* “Stand! You rescued them!”

The Tards stopped Wizard Battling and helped the Fire Warriors up. Most of them were fine, but a few were never the same. 

“We want to be nice but then you shoot at Wizard!”

The Fire Warrior was ashamed that he had rushed to conclusions. If Bra'xan hadn't walked out, things could have gone much worse.

“Thank you for rescuing them. You must forgive us for what w-”

“Just give us Tau guns already! Sledgehammer not gun!”

The Tards got off of the Fire Warriors. Their armor was completely destroyed and covered in poop. Normally they would question helping such barbaric creatures, but they knew there was no other choice.

“Do not worry, you will get what you want…”

“Make sure I get best gun! I best Wizard!”

The Fire Warriors stared at the Tommy and could tell by his size that he was their leader. 

“As you wish.”

As the Fire Warriors went of to get the guns, the Tards went back into their ship to get some food. Bra'xan was still in shock and hadn't moved, so the Tards brought him inside.

Ricky was knocked out, and being crushed by a bunch of boxes. Fortunately for him, this also meant he was hidden. 

Eldar Wizard Lady had successfully woken up the other Tau. Well, she thought she did at least. It's quite debatable on weather or not she was the reason they woke up. Nevertheless, the Tards gave her some hot dogs to celebrate. 

However, as they were all eating their hotdogs, they were unaware that someone was watching them. Far in the distance, an Imperial Assassin was keeping an eye on the Tards.

“Assassin reporting in. Tards have convinced the Fire Warriors to give them weapons. They are currently eating hotdogs with the Eldar pilot. Will report more as it happens.”

Back on Tardia, Tardias Governor, Governor Kerrmann, was worried. Very worried. 

“Keep watching them. I don’t care how far they travel, you must find a way to kill them!”

The Assassin didn't really like following a bunch of Tards around, but the Governor paid quite well.

“Keep the money coming, and I'll be sure these Abhumans are never heard from again.”

The Assassin hung up, leaving the Governor alone with his thoughts. The thought of the Inquisition discovering the Tards outside of his planet had been on his mind ever since the Tards first left. The Inquisition showed mercy last time, and he knew they wouldn't be as generous if they had to come back. 

Still, he hated the idea of having to kill Tommy and his group of Tards. They had saved the lives of many of his civilians on multiple occasions. Sadly, The Inquisition doesn't care whether or not someone is truly a hero.

“Why couldn't they have just stayed here…”


End file.
